essay - Self reflection: ME | WE

I 
am one,
one is all I am.

Someone infinite,
in finite, one sum.

One is all we are,
we are all 
one.

A short time after my Reiki Holy Fire II placement (which marks the completion of the second level course), the instructor, Bonnie, sent a simple survey. 

I reflected on the entirety of my experience. I confess I certainly “enjoyed” quite a personal drama during the first week of Reiki II class. I use "enjoyed" endearingly in hindsight to add a bit of levity to that internal struggle of a wrestling match. Indeed, it was an edifying process. While it was happening, I couldn’t decide whether to reach out directly to Bonnie and ask for immediate clarification or wait and see what may come through the evolution of the course--and here I was, now faced with a few short questions to answer about my experience. 

Primarily, I’d struggled to work out my understanding of the modality: the structure, tradition, etc., and how to articulate my own perspective within it. I met with a resistance to Reiki’s inherent hierarchical system. My outright rejection of it caused in me the very dis-integration I see and criticize outwardly. Realizing this, I then noticed a pattern in myself: letting go of ideological system after system had finally brought me to a space so "free" I became aloof, ungrounded, and truly aimless. Intuitively, I could tell, Bonnie had picked up on my angst.

But was--and if so, how--was Reiki different from any other spiritual tradition, religion? Its emphasis on lineage echoes and reinforces an ideology which claims that individuals must learn from some “master” or mediator in order to connect with Divine Source (read: an individual on their own is not enough, not equipped, not permitted). This strict adherence to structures in the symbols, in the passage of their wisdom, in the exclusionary nature of the un-initiated, resonated too closely with other organized religion for me. The resulting dissonance within myself was deafening. 

I have spent no small sum of mental and emotional energy diving into the ideological, structural, and spiritual parallels or implications of hierarchy (but, and also its tangible manifestations, too). This concept requires much unpacking, coming from the Western, patriarchal tradition. 

Through generation after generation, the legacy of patriarchal hierarchy brings me to an acute awareness of how deeply enmeshed we all are in its ideology, and find ourselves at an impasse. To over simplify: This Way is the Right Way, that Way is Wrong. Duality splits, polarizes, divides. History seems stuck on a painfully loud feedback loop: the crusading, conquesting colonization efforts, and the brutal, dominating expression of an unbalanced Yang energy. That which seeks ever to overtake, to exploit, to own without vulnerability and reciprocity demands complete allegiance and worship from everything, especially that considered “other.” 

From this perspective, hierarchy too often rigidly upholds itself by excluding elements (ideas, thoughts, feelings, matter, etc.) and fails to recalibrate in a way that integrates (as in, brings integrity to) the inclusion of diversity. It seeks to organize and unify like with like, by way of dividing, conquering and assimilating through obliterating opposition and forcing the expression of its constituents. What an irony—this ruling with an un-budging iron fist. Is there no end to it? My mind spun in circles attempting to rationalize this. 

Looking to the circle, I see it's still(ness), and still dynamic expression of unity in opposition. An empty hole, and (still) whole: zero (nothingness) is also everything (infinity). Some disciplines, such as Yoga, teach “freedom in the form.” The structure provides consciousness, life-energy, a vessel through which to flow and evolve freely—a sacred, mutually sustained communion. Creative and decomposing energies balance, self-regulated, within the container. Lines can twist, cross, converge to emerge and pull apart, polarized, always to return. The eternal loop of light seeking dark welcoming in the light—as one is never without the other. Without end.

In my life, in my work, I translate the hermetic saying, "As above, so below" into, "As in one, all are done." Balanced elements dance: spiraling endlessly in fractals and expressing their polarities in duality. They multiply exponentially, churning, turning and returning. The same principles governing the macrocosm dictate the micro realms. This phrase often resounds in my mind. 

If all things are done as in one, then Reiki, too, provides a flexible form. Any system of hierarchy may be used to dominate, and it may likewise open a channel to guided freedom. 

My quest over the years has begged to know: where is my power and what is it for? Where do I (and my contributions, my work) belong? Is there a community, something out there that can tell me? Is there a structure where domination is not the aim, but rather mutual helpfulness and a respect for autonomy? Can anything actually help me resolve my own internal reconciliations? Are there any certain answers?

No. And yes. I must let it be, to let it be. I don’t have to (do); I have it to (do). I may let it be -- I may be. Subtle shifts from rigid dogmatic demands evolve into an invitation, and the embodiment of what is most powerful: gentle permission. Reiki is yet another system through which to explore and recover freedom: of self, of all I have—all I am.

The work that I do serves All. The work "you" do, and "you all" do, also serves me. This is for me, for we, us. For “Me” is simply a reflection of “We”. Just look at it:

M E
W E

Repeated in my mind, I hear: "You only, and ever, get to keep what you give." We only get to keep what we give. We keep what we give; the same as "you get what you put in." This reflective perspective helps me understand the humility and pride I may take in my work…helps me, too, to acknowledge and honor the guidance I receive from "others." I put quotes around others, since we know there is no separation - truly. We are one.

What you say expresses who you are. What I experience, feel, and think, reveals ME. And has me reconsidering what my culture and heritage professes, and instilled in me: what is Hierarchy? How does it, too, invite in the divine Yin? On the material plane, how do I let go of, let decompose the beliefs of limitation, while recognizing the very real existence of divisive ideologies and systems? How do I share and say what I intuit on the spiritual plane—these soaring, profound, exquisite extremes—in this finite material, physical existence? How do I get into the nitty-gritty to polish and cleanse my part in this vast, minute Universe? How do I proceed and profess, expressing the "I AM" of me? 

By way of the form, to invite and to give permission, to love—free of expectations or demands. And so I keep what I give: the quality of my attention, minutiae by minutes and lifetimes over this vast expanse. I have it—the opportunity—to balance freedom through a variety of forms. I contribute to the shifting energy within the systemic, structural hierarchy not by having to live within its confines, but by having it to allow, accept, embrace and release what I need.

Yes, and.

As in one, all are done.